“Heartbreak isn’t beautiful. It isn’t fucking poetry. It’s not staying up ‘til 4am listening to sad songs. It’s breaking down in the middle of a busy street. It’s seeing their face in all the people you pass by. It’s feeling okay for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden, you feel the ghost of their lips on your neck and their nails on your back and then you’re on choking on memories of their presence. It’s waking up from the dreams of them coming back and screaming in the middle of the night because your chest aches like a rotting tooth. Stop romanticizing pain. Stop using people like their objects. A heart isn’t a cigarette – you can’t just light it up and then stomp it out when your done. Don’t act like anything about heartbreak is beautiful, because I wouldn’t wish that feeling upon my worst enemies” – there’s nothing pretty about bleeding from the inside out (o.k.)
I wanted to start this post by being upbeat, positive, inspiring. I wanted to write all the words about how a heartbreak, my heartbreak changed me. The inspiring story of how the girl found her passion; how she found herself amidst all the sadness.
I am a big romantic, I live for fairytales and love stories. I dream of that big love that just is just like the movies, where the girl gets her happy ending. In a midst of this, I am strong and independent but part of me still craves to be that girl that’s loved, protected and cared for.
Be that as it may; when I started to write this post, it all came flooding back. Maybe I just locked it all in a tight box, hoping that it would eventually disappear. Maybe I was hoping as time went on, it would just be a distant memory, that seeing your name would no longer make me feel sick to the stomach. Nearly two years later, you’re no longer a thought in my mind anymore; but it still comes flooding back when I open that box; like a tidal wave. I don’t think I will ever get over what you did to me, and maybe you will never realise how you broke me. But you did.
Flashback to that moment, I remember it so vividly. When time stopped and my heart broke. I never believed when people said they felt their heart break, I use to think it was just a phrase people threw around. In that moment though, I felt mine shatter. It shattered into a million pieces and I never thought I would be able to put it back together. I never thought I would make it past the weekend. The idea of surviving past the weekend was insane, how would I cope without the one person who I gave all of myself too?!
Breakups aren’t like the movies. They aren’t poetic or beautiful. I was a mess. I would burst into tears at any given moment and I couldn’t stop. I felt broken. How are you able to pick yourself up and move on when you’re only given the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ rubbish. How are you able to forget that weekend you thought was a romantic getaway, when all it was, was a trainwreck straight into heartbreak central.
I remember just telling myself, fast forward in time and you will see. You will see that you will survive this, and come out better than ever. I use to tell myself this all the time, not believing it would be true, but it was.I fully believe everything happens for a reason. Even though you broke me, I fixed myself back together with glue and glitter. I believe it was the best thing to ever happen to me, that day was the start of a new chapter, a new journey that has led me to so many wonderful opportunities.
There’s been a lot of articles about some of my successes this year. Many full of lies, and little facts. I used the gym to overcome my heartbreak but not to get revenge. The gym has been a saviour for many things in my life and I am thankful for that. I am also thankful to you, for breaking me. Without that I would not be the woman I am today. But you don’t get to claim my success. I have transformed my body and mind without you, without even having a single thought about you in the future. I dragged my ass to the gym when the alarm went off at 4:30am, I worked hard and stayed focused for me. I did this.
I wouldn’t of found such an inspiring community of people in the fitness industry and blogging community that I look up to daily for inspiration. I wouldn’t be a person that people look to for inspiration and motivation. I wouldn’t of had the courage to train as a personal trainer to help others that are in the same position I was. I was trapped in an unhealthy cycle, with severe anxiety and depression; binge eating and hiding away. I was scared of going out alone, ordering a drink at the bar by myself. I hid myself in baggy and unflattering clothes, trying to be unnoticed when I was born to sparkle and shine.
So this is my story. This is how heartbreak transformed me. I became a person I would have never recognised; but in such an amazing way. I have the confidence to go new places and meet new people. I push myself to do things that scare me. I refuse to be a wallflower, I refuse to hide who I am. I push myself to inspire and motivate others; but also to care and love. This is Sian 2.0.